Rich's Reviews ~ Simon Says (2006)

"Time To Have Some Fun"

Simon Says is about twin brothers, one has psychotic tendencies and severely injures his brother when they are young children. The story takes place years later when the brothers are grown. Teens looking for a campground run into the twins, played by Crispin Glover, and soon get knocked off one by one. The teen characters consist of the jock, the stoner, the virgin, the slut and the smart chick.

Even though the characters all have been seen before, as well as the story, this movie works fairly well. The acting is above average. Crispin Glover was born to play this kind of role (of the odd twins). The gore is exceptional and the murders are creative. For example,  the virgin girl gets it with a portable CD player shoved down her throat and the stoner is forced to smoke a giant joint.

Simon Says gets a 7 1/2 out of 10. It's good fun!

Be Kind, Rewind: The VHS Reviews ~ Berserker (1987)

a.k.a. Berserker: The Nordic Curse
"A Campfire Legend of Flesh-Eating Terror!"

Synopsis: According to an old Nordic legend, a Berserker was a bloodthirsty warrior who would feast on human flesh, forbidden a restful death and fated to be reincarnated in their blood kin. Six college students accidentally stumble across the Berserker legend while vacationing at a Rainbow Valley campground, an area settled by Norwegian immigrants. The camp is filled with rumors of a wild bear killing people in the area, including speculation about an old couple who recently got lost in the woods. Is it really a bear ...or is it something much worse?

My Thoughts: Wikipedia claims Berserkers are legendary Norwegian warriors who fought in a nearly uncontrollable trance-like fury. Most historians believe that they would work themselves into a rage before battle, but some think that they might have consumed drugged foods. The Berserkers were known for wearing coats made from the pelts of a bear during battle ...and in this movie, they also wore masks made from the bear's skull and used the teeth to rip open their victims.

Okay, so we have Berserkers, bears, vikings and bunch of annoying campers that are lost in the woods. Sounds like the makings of a great 80's slasher movie, right? Unfortunately, even a really badass premise can't make up for the awful execution of an inexperienced horror director (Jef Richard). The biggest problem I had was the film's pacing. It seemed like every scene would drag on about 10-15 seconds too long. I don't know if the goal was to reach 90 mins or what, but if they cleaned it up a little during editing and lost about 10 mins of useless footage it would really help.

The acting got really bad at times (even for a slasher flick) aside from horror movie vets, George 'Buck' Flower & John Goff who both brought their A-game. The gore was pretty cheesy and there weren't any memorable kills, just a bunch of bloody claw marks. We did get some boob shots, but nothing to write home about. Overall, it was watchable, I guess. It just didn't live up to it's potential. I still thinks it's a cool idea and could definitely use a remake ...a really low budget blood-soaked remake.

My Rating: 5 / 10







Released by Prism Entertainment in 1990. It's a surprising good transfer and unlike most of the 80's 'in the woods' slashers, the night scenes are really well lit. This one will run you about 20 bucks for a used copy on amazon. Is it worth it? Probably not, unless you sick f*#kers got some kind of perverted viking fetish or somethin'.

"click here for more reviews at Horrorphilia.com"

Be Kind, Rewind: The VHS Reviews ~ Hunter's Blood (1986)

"Out There, No One Hears You Scream"

Synopsis: Our story follows the father/son team of Mason and David Rand (Clu Gulager and Samuel Bottoms) as they head out to the Arkansas wilderness to do a little hunting with a few friends. After one of the hunters makes a wise crack to a waitress at a local bar, an altercation occurs with a group of backwoods inbreds (who of course don't take too kindly to city folk). The city boys win the fight, but not the war and the hunters soon become the hunted as their peaceful vacation turns into a fight for their lives.

My Thoughts: If we learn anything from this movie, it's that Clu Gulager ("Return of the Living Dead", "A Nightmare on Elm Street 2") is a bonafide badass. He basically plays the Burt Reynolds role from "Deliverance" (the film that this movie borrows the most from), but he does it like only Clu Gulager can. He's one cool motherf#%ker. The rest of the acting is average at best, besides a couple pretty good performances from Sam Bottoms (“Apocalypse Now”, "The Outlaw Josey Wales”) and the always creepy Billy Drago ("Vamp", "The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.") who plays 'Snake', perhaps the craziest of all the rednecks.

The director (Robert C. Hughes, "Memorial Valley Massacre", "Zadar! Cow From Hell") does a great job in that he never tries to pretend that this is anything more than what it is ...a hillbilly exploitation movie. Because of that, the audience could just shut off their brains, sit back and enjoy a movie that could have just as easily been called, 'Attack of the Killer Rednecks'.

This movie has just the right amounts of action and cheesiness to make a good 80's exploitation movie. It's also probably a bit more of a slasher film than most of the other films of it's kind. I would say it's a cross between "Deliverance" and "Wrong Turn". It could've used some nudity and a little more gore, but I always seem to say that. Overall, "Hunter's Blood" makes for a fun hour and a half.

* note: This is Billy Bob Thorton's first role. The only problem is, if you blink you'll probably miss him.

My Rating: 8 / 10







Okay, maybe we've already seen this story a hundred times before, but I just can't help it ...I love me some crazy rednecks. This one's definitely worth a watch. Unfortunately, it still hasn't been officially released on DVD in the U.S., so VHS or bootlegs seem to be your only options (not that I condone the buying or selling of bootlegs). A used VHS copy will run you about $12 on amazon.com. I've also seen it up on youtube now and again.

"click here to see the trailer"

"click here for more reviews at Horrorphilia.com"

Bear (2010)

"Play Dead."

Synopsis: Two young couples are driving through a remote forest when their car breaks down. When a run-in with a curious grizzly bear ends up with the bear being shot to death, the bear's mate arrives on the scene and vengefully attacks their van. The couples are trapped inside the disabled car and must come up with clever ways to survive. As they battle the surprisingly intelligent creature, and contemplate their uncertain fate, secrets begin to emerge that threaten to tear the group apart before the bear does.

My Thoughts: My biggest gripe with this film is the wasted potential. I do enjoy a killer animal movie now and again. What I don't enjoy is a movie whose cast of characters is made up entirely of annoying fuckin' drama queens. It's bad enough they were shit actors, but the constant arguing was just too much. I realize the writer wanted the viewers to dislike these assholes and see the bear as the victim, but it went way past hating the characters and lead to me hating the movie.

I thought the main purpose of watching a horror film is to escape real life for an hour or two and have a good time. That's pretty hard to do when the film you're watching is filled with the same type of dickholes that you spend most of your time trying to avoid.

I did enjoy most of the bear's attack scenes, even though they gave him super intelligence. I can't really think of anything else that I liked about it, so I gotta say ...fuck this movie!

My Rating: 2.5 / 10




If you find yourself standing in front of the redbox and there's nothing else to rent ...just go home and go to bed. You need some sleep anyway.

"click here to see the trailer"

Long Weekend (1978)

"Their crime was against nature. Nature found them guilty."

Synopsis: The story concerns a couple, Peter (John Hargreaves) and Marcia (Briony Behets), who, along with their dog, go for a weekend camping trip. The pair show incredible disrespect for nature, such as polluting, killing an innocent dugong, throwing lit cigarette butts in dry bush, and spraying insecticide, among other transgressions. As tensions between the couple escalate, nature is not pleased with their environmental wrongdoing and starts to strike back, first by an eagle and possum attacking Peter, and then through more insidious means...

My Thoughts: This is probably the oldest Australian movie that I've seen to date, but apparently even back in the late 70's the Aussies really knew how to help the cinematography of their films by using their incredible landscapes. The only difference here is they filmed about half of it on the beach which was still amazing visually, but does hurt the overall creepiness of the movie. Obviously, it would have been easier for the director to shoot scarier scenes in the middle of the woods than on a secluded beach, so I give him credit for not going the easy route. Plus, I gotta admit all of those mysterious cries & screams coming from the water were a little unnerving.

The two lead actors are really good as the dysfunctional husband and wife. Peter starts off as your average inconsiderate married guy and Marcia is the typical bitchy wife. By the time the reasons behind their marital problems are revealed, the couple was almost completely unlikable and by the last twenty minutes you find yourself rooting for the animals to finish them off.

This was a slow mover, but it never put me to sleep and the acting was good enough to where you almost felt like you were listening in on a couple fighting at a bar. Which is always fun!

My Rating: 6 / 10




Worth checking out, especially if you're a fan of Aussie films ...like yours truly. A remake was released in 2008 starring Jim Caviezel (Passion of the Christ, Highwaymen) under the title, "Nature's Grave" in the U.S.

"click here to see the trailer"

The Troll Hunter (2010)

a.k.a. Trolljegeren
"You'll believe it when you see it!'

Synopsis: A group of students investigate a series of mysterious bear killings, but find out that there are much more dangerous things going on. They start to follow a mysterious hunter, learning that he is actually a troll hunter.

My Thoughts: I gotta admit, going all the way back to "The Blair Witch Project", I've pretty much been a hater of the hand-held video camera faux documentary horror flicks.  There have been one or two that I can tolerate, but nothing that I would ever purchase or even suggest to a friend. Though unlike most of the true haters, I do always give the next one a chance. Maybe I've just been looking for the one movie that would convince me that it's not an utterly hopeless form of entertainment. Well, it took the Norwegians to pull it off.

This film finally delivers where many (if not all) of it's predecessors have failed. The main reason they show you what you wanna see. If it's a ghost movie, show me some damn ghosts. If it's a troll movie, show me the trolls. Not only do they show you what you came to see, but the trolls are fuckin' badass ...and really pissed off.

The story is interesting & well written. The acting is believable. The camerawork isn't too shaky and the scenery of Norway's wilderness really fills in the holes where the viewer might tend to get a little bored between the action sequences.

My only complaint is that I would have liked to have seen a little gore, which would have made this in my mind the perfect film of it's kind. Suck on that "Paranormal Activity"!

My Rating: 8 / 10









This is one movie that should definitely be delivered to the American public. So dub it over in English, give it the million dollar advertising campaign (ala Blair Witch, Paranormal Activity) ...hell, even turn it into 3-D. These Norwegians should get their just due.

"click here to see the trailer"

Primal (2009)

"Evil Lies Within"

Synopsis: Anja (Zoe Tuckwell-Smith) and five friends join anthropology student Dace (Wil Traval) on a journey to study a remote ancient rock painting. Their excitement vanishes when Mel (Krew Boylan) becomes delirious after skinny-dipping in the waterhole. Feverish bleeding confused she physically and mentally regresses to a vicious predatory state. Mel has gone primal. Mel's lover and friends realize they are the prey as she savagely hunts them down. Before they can escape another one of them starts to regress posing a hideous choice kill their friends or be killed by them. Their only hope of survival is through a cave where Anja learns too late the meaning of the ancient rock art they came to study.

My Thoughts: I'm a big fan of Australian horror flicks. They really know how to take advantage of their incredible landscapes. This film is no different. On the other hand, scenery can only take you so far. That's why director Josh Reed decided to throw a possessed flesh-eating psycho bitch into the mix.

This is a pretty fun movie for the gore fans out there. Some people might not like the fact that it seems to borrow a little from "The Ruins" and maybe "Cabin Fever", but I think there's enough differences in the story (with the flesh-eaters and all) where it's not really an issue.

I liked how it starts with a quick set-up and doesn't explain the entire story in the intro like some films tend to do. A good pace was kept throughout the film. The actors were believable, especially during the fight scenes. The gore was also top notch. Another thumbs up to the Aussies.

My Rating: 7 / 10







I think Josh Reed might be a horror director to keep an eye on.

"click here to see the trailer"