Be Kind, Rewind: The VHS Reviews ~ Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park (1978)

a.k.a. 'Attack of the Phantoms'
"Music & Mayhem at Magic Mountain"

Synopsis: The title pretty much gives away the plot of this 1978 NBC Saturday night movie of the week. Fed up with his lack of appreciation at the amusement park that he helped build, Abner Devereaux (Anthony Zerbe, 'The Dead Zone') plans to take over the park by turning the members of 'Kiss' into some sort of androids during the bands weekend of concerts at Magic Mountain.

My Thoughts: There's really no point in going on any further with the description of this movie. It has to be seen to be believed. If there was a bad movie hall of fame, this film would be a lock to get inducted. It's been said that the members of 'Kiss' were so ashamed of this movie that no one around them was even allowed to talk about it for years after it's release. I guess after the pink mesh half-shirts they wore on stage during the late 80's and Gene Simmons playing the role of a killer transvestite in that John Stamos movie this wasn't so bad. Not to mention 'Gene Simmons Family Jewels'.

So many stories have popped up about the making of this movie that they could write a book about it. Hell who knows, they probably already have. Most of the stories involve Ace and Peter's drug use during the filming, which led to Peter's lines getting dubbed by someone else and Ace's lines being reduced to a couple of noises resembling Curly from the 3 Stooges.

I absolutely love this film. The fact that all of the actors (and so-called actors) played it straight, even though the plot was so utterly ridiculous, help make this one of the greatest bad movies of all-time. This movie really deserves way more than just a short review. I'm definitely gonna have to include it somewhere down the line in one of my podcasts, because I can talk about this movie for hours. If you haven't seen it you should get your hands on a copy and don't worry there's no need to be a 'Kiss' fan to enjoy this disaster.

An inferior version, renamed 'Attack of the Phantoms', was recut for a European theatrical release in 1979. For obvious marketing reasons, most of the original score was replaced by songs from the bands recently released 'solo albums'.

My Rating: 9 / 10

This is a must have for lovers of extremely bad and cheezy movies. The original TV version had a very limited release from 'Cheezy Flicks' in 2005. The DVD's were pulled from the shelves because of copyright infringements, but you can still find some copies for sale on amazon.com for around $30. A 'Good Times Video' VHS copy will on run you about 6 or 7 bucks (used). If you're looking for both versions, 'Attack of the Phantoms' is included on the 'Kissology: Vol. 2' DVD boxset and will set you back around $30, but just over $10 for a used copy.

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Halloween (1978)

"The Night He Came Home!"

Synopsis: The year is 1963, the night; Halloween. Police are called to 43 Lampkin Ln. only to discover that a 17 year Judith Myers had been stabbed to death, by her 6 year-old brother. After being institutionalized for 15 years, Myers breaks out just days before Halloween. No one knows nor would wish to find out what would happen on October 31st 1978, besides Myer's physciatrist Dr. Loomis (Donald Pleasence). He knows Michael is coming back to Haddonfield, but by the time the town realizes it, it'll be to late for many people.

My Thoughts: John Carpenter is the greatest horror/sci-fi director of all-time. No offense to the Wes Craven fans out there, but I will never even argue that fact. All you would have to do for proof of that is check out his resume. Just wanted to throw that out there.

Slasher films are by far my favorite of the horror genre, so naturally this would be my favorite Carpenter flick (although "The Thing" and "The Fog" are damn close). As a slasher, this film is as good as it gets. It's got a great back-story, a perfect cast, Carpenter's incredible score and of course, the legendary Mr. Michael Myers.

As you probably know, this plays over & over on cable every Halloween. I've easily watched this movie over 50 times. You would think I'd be sick of it by now. I mean, I love "Friday the 13th", but I doubt I would love it as much if I'd seen it nearly that many times. What's the difference you ask? It's gotta be the music. Not only does it add to the suspense of the film, it also makes you feel like it's Halloween night. By now I know this movie almost line for line, so I can walk away from the t.v. and come back without missing a beat and when I do this movie makes for great background music. Kinda like putting on one of your favorite CD's when you're doing shit around the house. Now I ask you, what other horror flick can do that?

My Rating: 10 / 10






If you don't already own this one, you should be ashamed of yourself.

"click to see the trailer"

Long Weekend (1978)

"Their crime was against nature. Nature found them guilty."

Synopsis: The story concerns a couple, Peter (John Hargreaves) and Marcia (Briony Behets), who, along with their dog, go for a weekend camping trip. The pair show incredible disrespect for nature, such as polluting, killing an innocent dugong, throwing lit cigarette butts in dry bush, and spraying insecticide, among other transgressions. As tensions between the couple escalate, nature is not pleased with their environmental wrongdoing and starts to strike back, first by an eagle and possum attacking Peter, and then through more insidious means...

My Thoughts: This is probably the oldest Australian movie that I've seen to date, but apparently even back in the late 70's the Aussies really knew how to help the cinematography of their films by using their incredible landscapes. The only difference here is they filmed about half of it on the beach which was still amazing visually, but does hurt the overall creepiness of the movie. Obviously, it would have been easier for the director to shoot scarier scenes in the middle of the woods than on a secluded beach, so I give him credit for not going the easy route. Plus, I gotta admit all of those mysterious cries & screams coming from the water were a little unnerving.

The two lead actors are really good as the dysfunctional husband and wife. Peter starts off as your average inconsiderate married guy and Marcia is the typical bitchy wife. By the time the reasons behind their marital problems are revealed, the couple was almost completely unlikable and by the last twenty minutes you find yourself rooting for the animals to finish them off.

This was a slow mover, but it never put me to sleep and the acting was good enough to where you almost felt like you were listening in on a couple fighting at a bar. Which is always fun!

My Rating: 6 / 10




Worth checking out, especially if you're a fan of Aussie films ...like yours truly. A remake was released in 2008 starring Jim Caviezel (Passion of the Christ, Highwaymen) under the title, "Nature's Grave" in the U.S.

"click here to see the trailer"